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While much of the world is finally beginning to agree that Björn and Benny are geniuses on par with the likes of Lennon and McCartney in terms of song writing, Björn and Benny have been notoriously stingy when it comes to allowing fresh ways to enjoy their songs. They only want you to know one version of an ABBA song, and while a few songs have been lucky to see alternate versions released, they are the exception rather than the rule. There is only one ABBA version of Dancing Queen you’ll ever be able to buy and it’s the same version in 2005 as it was in 1977, no remixes, no extended versions, and no commercially released demo versions. Sure you can get remixes and extended versions, but they won’t be with Agnetha and Frida on vocals unless it’s a fan made mix which layers any remixing over top of the original.

By contrast, my other favourite group, Roxette, have been overflowing in generosity, where it’s not uncommon for remixes of songs and even demo versions to be released as extra tracks on singles or even a whole collection of officially released rarities. So while the official Roxette albums may feature Marie Fredriksson belting out a ballad or seducing our ears with the sheer beauty of her voice, it’s nice to be able to have a contrasting way to enjoy the song, whether it’s a not-so-polished demo featuring Per Gessle on vocals or a remix giving the song a whole new flavor, it helps keep the songs fresh for the die-hard fan instead of always being subjected to the same version of the song every time you hear it.

So what’s an ABBA fan to do when you can’t get any alternate versions out of Björn and Benny? Well part of the way I’ve been able to extend my enjoyment of ABBA songs while listening to ABBA is to sing along with the songs, but not just singing along for the sake of singing along, I’m changing the lyrics to make the songs more entertaining. It’s not quite a parody and not such an involved effort that it requires any writing down. It’s just an on-the-fly changing of a few lines to produce a smile or a chuckle for the sake of entertainment. In fact, many of the new versions don’t make any sense as a whole. Individual lines are changed to get an instant laugh. It’s more like the removal of a line and replacing it with an instantly amusing punchline. And I certainly don’t limit it to just ABBA, as any song I like is likely to be bastardized, but since this is an ABBA forum, we’ll pick on the works of Björn and Benny and showcase some of the best songs they never wrote.

As a disclaimer, I need to announce that, I am a big fan of crude humor, and I’m certainly not ashamed to admit it, so a lot of the changed ABBA songs that I’ll sing in my car when I’m alone are definitely lewd, crude, and downright likely to make Björn and Benny blush or threaten a lawsuit. Just so you’re warned, you may be offended by the following versions of ABBA songs, which I developed when I was simply bored with the original ABBA songs and wanted to enjoy them in a new and fresh way. But if you’re looking to find a way to enjoy ABBA songs in a new way, all you need are some ABBA songs and a creative imagination.

“Does Your Mother Know” was probably the first song that was the easiest to change for a simple chuckle and didn’t require much in order to change the tone of the song completely. For this one, I simply change the line, “Does your mother know that you’re out?” to “Does your mother know you’re a slut?” The rest of the lyrics actually help the new lyric without any additional changes.

“Mamma Mia” is probably the song where my changed lyrics do the most damage, transforming the song from a love song into the justification for the actions of a serial killer. “I’ve been cheated by you, since I don’t know when, so I made up my mind you must come to an end.” “…does it show again, just how much I hate you.” “I’ve been angry and sad about all the people you screw, I can’t count all the times that I told you, ‘F*ck you’” “why, why did I let you live?”

Some altered lyrics can be slightly innocuous as “I Have A Dream” becoming “I want to scream, A thong made of string, To help me cope with the pain it brings.” Which is usually about as far into the song I get before I skip ahead to the next song. And depending on my mood, “Super Trouper” becomes either “Stupid Trouper” or “Pooper Scooper.” One version is a little bit more vicious than the other. And since “Summer Night City” has never really been one of my favourites, I’ve just dubbed the title “Summer Night Shitty” and left it at that. “Gonna Sing You My Love Song” simply becomes a tame, “Gonna sing you my dumb song.” “As Good As New” becomes “As Old As You” and “S.O.S.” becomes “P.M.S.” Don’t forget we can also be “Shitting in a Palmtree” thanks to the “Farts of Fire.” “Watch Out” is fun without much enhancement as it becomes “F*ck Off”

For the morbidly inclined, “Slipping Through My Fingers” becomes “Slitting Through My Fingers” as (wrists doesn’t quite fit as a replacement for fingers) but in any case, it becomes a slow song about suicide rather than watching children grow over the years, which I suppose in some cases, could be as exciting as suicide. “One of Us” easily changes into a song “staring at the ceiling wishing she was becoming dead instead” And depending on morbid you think it is, “Like An Angel Passing Through My Room” can be “Like The Devil Passing Through My Womb.”

Getting into the really raunchy versions of ABBA songs, “The Winner Takes It All” becomes “The Winner F*cks Them All” and “Hole In Your Soul” gets really bad when hole and soul get reversed and needing some other things that even I am unwilling to print than “rock and roll” to put the “soul” in your “hole.” We won’t even discuss the possibilities of “Rock Me.” In “Chiquitita” we can “try once more like a fat ass whore.” And “Knowing Me, Knowing You” takes on new meaning as “Blowing Me, Blowing You” And sad visions of the video pop into mind when the song “When I Kissed The Teacher” becomes “When I F*cked the Teacher”

These are just a select few examples of how the ABBA catalogue can be altered lyrically, and there are plenty more that I’ve not highlighted here. And the possibilities become infinite once you open up the door to all songs ever written. Granted it takes a special brand of humor to find enjoyment in it, and if it’s rather lowbrow in nature, then I am guilty as charged. Sorry Björn and Benny but when I get tired of hearing your songs as you intended them, I’ve found a new way to make them fun again for the sole purpose of putting a smile on my face. And sometimes I just can’t help it because I can crack myself up.

Ryan Cameron