Eamon Moore's ABBA 2003 PREDICTIONS!

ABBAMAILer Eamon Moore from Perth, Western Australia, has done it again. We bring you exclusively his "shocking" predictions for ABBA in 2003 ;-)

January

ABBA GOLD is re-released by Universal and instantly reaches number one in 15 countries. Again. Björn Ulvaeus, holidaying in Fiji, is genuinely surprised and states that “On the strength of this, we are thinking of stringing a musical together, using as many of our songs as possible. We have an idea about a Swedish chess-playing singing migrant girl who can’t cope with the dizzying heights of fame and fortune after discovering that her mother had an affair with three different men around the time of her conception. We are thinking of calling it Mamma Mia, It’s the Girl with the Golden Chess Set from Duvemåla!

Benny Andersson’s Orkester makes a surprise tour of the pub circuit in the Estonian town of Tartu. In a radio interview, Andersson says “We love to get back to our musical roots, and one of mine moved here in the early 70s”.

February

The entire ABBA catalogue is sold by Universal and is purchased by General Motors-Daewoo, with the Asia Pacific distributions handled by Holden’s Fisherman’s Bend office in Melbourne. Chief Executive Peter Hanenberger says “We are thrilled by the scope this acquisition will provide. Since GM already owns Saab, we thought it would be a great idea to invest further in Swedish culture. We are looking too at Miss Maud’s Swedish Pastry House in Perth. If we can find a way to badge engineer Daewoos as luxury Saabs then we can hone our marketing edge with free ABBA CDs and a slice of Princess cake.”

Agnetha Fältskog is photographed leaving the Polar Music Studios in Stockholm. Ms Fältskog’s assistant Staffan Linde refused to comment on the possibility of a new recording by the elusive recluse. However, Polar spokesperson Görel Hanser confirms “Yes, Agnetha has signed a new contract with Polar, but the management doesn’t give a fig if she sings as long as she gets the cleaning done.”

March

GM Daewoo re-releases Universal’s successful ABBA GOLD under the new name The Lazarus Collection. It instantly reaches number one in 15 countries. All Australian purchases come with a free Daewoo Lanos.

Frida announces that in the spring she will commence work on a new project, to be ready for world-wide release in time for Christmas. Plans are for Frida to record an entire album of duets, with both male and female artists from around the world. “It is an exciting new venture for me and I am looking forward to working with some special people.”

Agnetha Fältskog is photographed entering the Polar Music studios in Stockholm. Staffan Linde refuses to not comment and says “Of course she’s recording a new CD. It’s an entire album of duets, with both male and female artists from around the world. And we thought of it first, so there Frida!”

April

The new musical Mamma Mia, It’s the Girl with the Golden Chess set from Duvemåla! opens at the Prince Edward Theatre in London to rave reviews. “It is the musical we never knew we had written” says Björn Ulvaeus from his Maybach 62 en route to his Lear jet on his way to his yacht waiting for him outside his holiday home on the Riviera. Separate lavish productions will open simultaneously in Toronto, New York, Stockholm, Paris, Melbourne, Tokyo, Moscow, Rio De Janeiro, Johannesburg, Beijing, and at the Scout Hall in Scarborough, Perth.

Ludvig Andersson’s debut CD A Tribute to Liza and Barbra is released worldwide. “I am just so inspired by both of them”, say’s Ludvig, “and when my best friend Peter Jöback suggested I do this CD I just knew I had to do it, for them.”

Staffan Linde photographs Agnetha Fältskog entering, leaving and entering again the Polar Music studios in Stockholm. “The stupid woman left her car keys inside” says Linde.

May

Work commences this month on Frida’s new Duets project. Madonna, Tom Jones, Moby, Lauryn Hill, Robbie Williams, Kylie Minogue, Elton John and David Beckham are all confirmed on the Polar schedule, with Anders Glenmark producing.

Mamma Mia, It’s the Girl With The Golden Chess Set From Duvemåla! is optioned by Hollywood. Both Quentin Tarantino and Ridley Scott are keen to direct after seeing the drafts of the script. Peter Jackson is also interested, but feels there isn’t enough in the main character’s quest to sustain a trilogy, despite preliminary casting of Jane Turner, Gina Riley and Magda Szubanski in the lead roles.

In a run-out deal to make way for new models, GM Daewoo launches The Lazarus Collection with a bonus CD called ABBA ­ The Just Files. It contains previously unreleased material including full length studio versions of Just A Notion, Just Like That and the three until now never heard of tracks Just A Minute, Just In Time and Just In Case. In Australia, the CD comes with free air, Free Care to 60 000km, a five year warranty, alloys, full electrics, rear spoiler and retails at $19 990 drive away no-more-to-pay.

Nobody bothers to photograph Agnetha Fältskog leaving or entering Polar Music studios in Stockholm. “The duets thing will be fantastic,” says Staffan Linde. “Geri Haliwell has expressed interest in the project as has Sarah Ferguson, Ludvig Andersson and Gert van der Graaf.”

June

Mamma Mia, It’s The Girl With the Golden Chess Set from Duvemåla! is now a runaway success, with the London season booked out until 2008. Björn Ulvaeus says from his holiday home in Noumea “I was a bit worried about it to begin with, but its great to see that the music can stand the test of time. I was really grateful to John Cleese for providing the storyline considering he turned us down all those years ago.”

Benny Andersson is also proud of the musical, but is perplexed as to why it is so popular amongst the heterosexual community. “I mean, it is as camp as all hell. Aren’t all musicals?”

Görel Hanser, Frida’s spokesperson confirms that Eminem has specifically requested to be part of Frida’s Duets project. “Frida was flattered by the request but decided that she really didn’t need all that confusion between Eminem, an enema and Enya. They all give her the shits anyway.”

Swedish daily Aftonbladet photographs Agnetha Fältskog outside Polar Music Studios in Stockholm shielding her own face with one hand and pointing a digital camera at herself with the other hand. Staffan Linde says “Agnetha’s duets project is coming along very well indeed. She has sung most of the parts herself and has plans to include some popular names on the CD cover.”

July

Unofficial ABBA biographer Carl Magnus Palm announces that he is close to completing a tell-all biography of Agnetha Fältskog. “This book will forever put to rest all the rumours.” Called Not So Bright Lights, Murky Shadows, Palm is set to reveal many secrets about Ms Fältskog, not in the least that Agnetha was never scared of flying, caused a bus crash in 1983 by attacking the driver and that Frida thought of the Duets CD first.

Former Steps members H and Claire reveal that they are recording a follow-up to their 2002 debut CD. “We are really chuffed because the two old ABBA guys have written a song just for us. It is called Just Like That and has never been recorded by anyone, ever!”

Legal representatives for the band Björn Again issue a writ against GM Daewoo. A spokesperson from legal firm Smith, Smith, Partridge and Whipsnade says “The members of Björn Again are concerned that GM Daewoo is marketing a musical group based heavily on their own image and material.”

Mamma Mia, It’s the Girl With The Golden Chess Set from Duvemåla! is nominated for a Tony. The original cast recording of the musical reaches sales of 10 million since its release in late April.

August

Unofficial ABBA Biographer Carl Magnus Palm announces he is close to completing a tell-all biography of Anni-Frid Lyngstad. “This book will forever put to rest all the rumours.” Called No Bright Lights Or Else You Might See The Surgery Scars, Palm is set to reveal many secrets about Ms Lyngstad, not in the least that she is not a true redhead and that she thought of the Duets CD first.

Former Steps members H and Claire complete their recording of the Benny and Björn composition Just Like That. Claire states on the H and Claire website “The two old fellas have rewritten the song just for us. It was a demo that ABBA recorded before they split but they never released it, so in effect it is a brand new song.”

Swedish daily newspaper Aftonbladet announces that Anni-Frid Lyngstad is set to relaunch her acting career by starring in British soap opera EastEnders. Frida will replace Barbara Windsor as Peggy Butcher, landlady of the Queen Vic. “Frida has a terrific East End accent you know, looks great in a big blonde wig and can pull a pint with the best of them” says a source close to Frida. Details of the storyline are closely guarded, but there are rumours that Frank Butcher, Peggy’s husband, wakes up after having a dream that Peggy had died, only to find her in the shower after coming home from hospital having had plastic surgery.

Agnetha Fältskog debuts her new CD after a 16 year hiatus. The new album, Almost Duets, contains 37 English language covers of showtune, movie and previous chart duets from the 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s. The highlight is the cover of the CD, which lists the original performers of each track. Geri Halliwell is credited as having contributed to back-up vocals on All My Best Years, a song originally recorded in 1996 in Swedish by Marie Fredriksson and someone else.

September

Björn Again forces GM-Daewoo into receivership after a successful writ against them. Spokesperson Charles H. Whipsnade from legal firm Smith, Smith, Partridge and Whipsnade says “Puh-leeze. GM-Daewoo must have been naïve if they thought that they could market some cheap copy of Björn Again. Honestly…. I mean, we can tolerate a bit of sampling here and there, but a complete take off…..and those fake Swedish accents in that movie thing they did. An insult to Björn Again. However, the Princess cake was a nice touch.”

Agnetha Fältskog’s Almost Duets CD sells its first copy in a Stockholm store to a blonde, 50-something Swedish woman wearing dark glasses and a big overcoat.

Polar Music Spokesperson Görel Hanser announces that Anni-Frid Lyngstad has suspended her Duets project, after unfounded rumours circulate about her starring in a British soap opera. “Frida is an intensely private person who wishes to remain so. She has realised that returning to the public eye at this stage of her life is not what she wants or needs. Should any of the stars she recorded with in 2003 wish to release a special edition of a previous CD of theirs containing their Frida duet solely to generate more sales, then so be it.”

Mamma Mia It’s the Girl with the Golden Chess Set from Duvemåla! has its London season extended until 2010. Björn Ulvaeus, on holiday in an unnamed city on large island he purchased south of Indonesia and west of New Zealand says “Give me a break, will ya…I’m on holiday”.

J